On Failure

This week’s newsletter might be a bit rambly as I’m trying to think through some feelings as I write it.

The topic is “failure” and it’s on my mind because my book got rejected by an agent today. I expected it would as it turned out they didn’t accept things that had already been self-published but I didn’t know that and had been patiently and eagerly waiting for their submission window to open again.

Coupled with the stereotypical parent pressure where my mum only ever asks “is the book selling” has lead me to realise I need to interrogate my own definition of success and failure.

I am very fortunate that I have a hugely supportive audience. Thanks to dedicated Kickstarter backers, Patreon supporters, shops buying stock, and people recommending my games on social media, I’m in a position to take risks. And as hard as it is for me to accept it, I deserve some credit for that. I’ve made some bloody good games despite what I might say!

Thanks to all your support, I’ve made weird games like The Dig which was a journalling game about a paleontological dig with a dash of horror. The gimmick was that it was an A3 scratch-card poster and players would literally scratch off each square to reveal a prompt and a bit of art.

New game idea: Jurassic P.I.

I loved the idea and had plans to make three more games like it with different themes but it turns out scratch cards have a shelf life of about six months. After which they harden and can’t be scratched anymore. After having to commit to a large print run and invest in poster tubes for shipping we were fortunate to just about break even.

After being introduced to the old game, pencil golf, which is apparently a type of folk game as it’s been around for so long, I had the idea for another game called Golf Quest. A dexterity based RPG about a high fantasy golf tournament with ridiculous characters and colourful courses with unique mechanics.

A poisonous old toad on a golf course… wonder where we go that idea?

This one got a lot of raised eyebrows when I announced it and I’m grateful that some people trusted me enough to back it because I think it turned out great.

Thankfully there’s no shelf life on this one so I’m sure it will eventually break even but it is a hard sell. It does well at conventions when we can let players try it out and realise how fun the mechanics are but it barely moves online.

From a business sense, these could be considered failures.

From a creative sense, I consider them successes.

Both games taught me something and allowed me to experiment. They’re both close to my usual solo RPG fare but with interesting twists that I’m proud of.

Then there’s my novel, Wolf & Fang Detective Agency: The God Thief.

Before I became a game designer, before I went to college, way back in primary school, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to tell stories and I wrote all the time. I got a lot of encouragement from friends and teachers but I was always warned that it isn’t easy and that I should have a “real job” to fall back on.

At some point I ended up making the decision to try and be a proper writer and ended up with such awful writers block that I didn’t write for years.

Being able to write and enjoy writing Wolf & Fang was amazing for me. It was my first full novel! And it was good. I could read it and not feel like I needed to rip it apart and bury my head in my hands because it wasn’t perfect.

Creatively and emotionally, it was a massive success. It was a milestone that I had wanted and needed to hit for a long time.

From a business angle though, I think I’ve sold about 120 copies since it launched last year which doesn’t even cover the cost of the cover art nevermind the print costs.

When I’m asked “is the book selling”, I feel like a failure. But that isn’t my sense of failure, it’s someone elses.

My metric for success isn’t, is this book selling, it’s are people enjoying it?

I’ve had people buy the book on day one of a convention and come back the next day to tell me how much they’ve enjoyed it. I’ve had several people say it’s their new comfort book. I’ve even had a gaming cafe here in Glasgow use it as their book club choice because the owner has been raving about it so much.

Most importantly though, I wrote this book for my partner. She asked me to write her a book for her birthday because she knew it would help me get over my writers block if I wasn’t thinking of it as my magnum opus. It was a story for us and thankfully, she loves it even after having to read the first, second, third, and fourth drafts!

That is a success in my book.

It is very easy to get caught up in the numbers in this life. Obviously, I need to make money to survive and I’m very grateful for every penny people throw my way. But no matter how well DELVE or Apothecaria sell, their greatest success to me is the effect they have on people. I am so happy that people have played DELVE with their kids, sharing the joy of creating and drawing together. I’m so grateful that people have been able to find comfort for both them and for sick friends and family with Apothecaria. And I am so humbled that people have sought me out at conventions to tell me that my games got them through the pandemic when they didn’t think they would.

That is what success is to me.

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Okay, so that was an emotional one this week. Promise we’ll be back to stuff that doesn’t make me cry next time!

Media of the Week

We Are Legion, We Are Bob

A friend chose this for our newly founded book club and as luck would have it, I’d just picked up a copy the week before! I’ve since read through the first two books and will be reading more of the third the second I stop writing this.

I don’t even know how to explain this one. It has its flaws and each book feels like it just stops randomly but I’m engrossed.

If you like games like Stellaris or are a Star Trek fan and want to see how a single nerd/ space probe can save the galaxy, then definitely check it out.

News

For Small Creatures Such As We is so close to being done. The base game and Love & Lust expansion are finalised. Guide To Fauna is nearly there which just leaves War! to proofread then we’ll be going to print!

Terrifying.